Apple released a bunch of ASMR videos for some reason

It was only a matter of time.

The company that delights in fetishizing physical objects just got a whole lot more, well, intimate. That’s right, on Aug. 7 Apple dropped a host of ASMR videos designed to excite and titillate the internet’s senses, and the entire thing is as baffling as you’d imagine. 

Described as “Apple ASMR: Season 1” — confoundingly suggesting a second season may be in the works — the four videos invite the Apple devotee to, for example, “Unwind with the whispered legend of Ghost Forest.”

Because everyone’s idea of relaxation is having one of the world’s richest companies whisper in their ears. 

“Should you be walking along a beach in Neskowin, Oregon, you’ll see countless monoliths rising up from the sea as the waves drift effortlessly around them,” intones the video’s narrator. “Mists in the distance hide some from view; others sneak out of the fog, seemingly dancing in the sea spray. Those closest to you let the waves explore their bases, rooted deep below the mud and the earth.”

Ah, the sweet sounds of unfettered tax avoidance.  

It’s riveting stuff. In addition to this beach talk, the series includes “satisfying woodshop sounds,” “crunching sounds on the trail,” and “a calm rain at camp.”

All the videos, of course, are advertised as “shot on iPhone” with “additional software and professional hardware used” — and while that explains the how, it doesn’t even begin to broach the why. 

Does Apple really need an additional way to worm its way into the lives of its customers? Or was someone at the corporate HQ just horny for some ASMR?

We reached out to Apple in an attempt to determine the motivation behind the series, but sadly received no response as of press time. Which, frankly, makes sense. After all, the soothing sounds of rhythmic wood rubbing is a little distracting.