The most life-ruining pop culture crushes of 2019

This list is not just about being horny. 

Thirst is a key component of a life-ruining pop culture crush, naturally — but there must be something a little off about the way you thirst for a fictional character or famous figure. 

Perhaps this crush reveals something you’d have preferred not to know about yourself. Perhaps they spoil all other potential or existing paramours for you with their unattainable perfection. Sometimes, a life-conquering crush just derails your week or month or, well, life — you’ll find yourself googling them and mindlessly scrolling pages of image results, or watching the late night show you can’t stand just because they’re on it for five minutes, or just thinking about them saying “Climb in my fur” every damn day.

But even a distracting, unnerving, and yes, life-ruining crush is delicious: You might feel a frisson of desperation or disgust, but at least you feel alive.

The Hot Priest

Could there be anyone else at number one on this list? Fleabag’s so-wrong-it’s-perfect pairing took a funny idea on paper — of course Fleabag would want to fuck a Catholic priest — and turned it into the most devastating, delicately observed onscreen romance of the year. 

As Phoebe Waller-Bridge herself observed when she hosted Saturday Night Live, Andrew Scott is a very attractive and charming man (Sherlock fans have been trying to tell you), but the Priest is so hot because he listens. “Really listens.” When Fleabag breaks the fourth wall, when she steps outside a moment, he sees that shift, and isn’t it the sexiest thing in the world to realise someone really sees you? 

Waller-Bridge’s creation is irresistible from the script up. “Kneel” got a lot of attention, and rightly so, but consider also the layers of intimacy and horny brinkmanship in a line like “Fuck you, calling me Father like it doesn’t turn you on just to say it.” And only Scott — impish and warm and precise and unexpected and entirely believable as a man of the cloth who smokes and swears and fucks (once) — could pull it off.

The cast of Succession, all of them

Just as the second season of Succession vaulted it from a slow burn to a must-watch, Succession crushes went from furtive, filthy secrets to very open conversations about how ashamed of ourselves we all were. (Mashable’s Angie Han and Erin Strecker even ranked your Succession crushes by how ashamed of them you should be, and Gerri endorsed it.) 

Whether you wanted to cheer up eternal rich sad boy Kendall with your body, lusted after Shiv’s turtlenecks, found Kieran Culkin’s rakish fuckboi Roman irresistible, got pants-confused about Tom Wambsgans also being Mr Darcy, or told yourself you only fancied Cousin Greg because he is very tall, there was a deeply problematic lust for everyone here.

J.Lo in Hustlers

Image: hustlers / stxfilms

From her Fiona Apple-assisted introduction to the emotional unravelling that has Oscar buzz swirling, Jennifer Lopez’ Ramona is a revelation, as lush and larger-than-life as she is human and driven. Nobody was under any illusions that the somehow-50-year-old Lopez wasn’t an extremely, extremely attractive human before this role, but then she sat on a rooftop holding open a giant coat and telling Constance Wu “Climb in my fur” and the rest of my year after that is just kind of a blur. 

Rose the Hat

There’s just something about Rebecca Ferguson in a Stevie Nicks get-up drinking innocent souls that is undeniably, hopelessly, shamelessly, unshakably sexy. 

Of course, Rose the Hat isn’t the good guy in Stephen King’s Doctor Sleep — y’know, considering she’s a stalker, cannibal, and killer of children — but she has a sickening appeal. From that feline smile to those come-hither hands (pre-degloving, obviously), Ferguson’s take on the iconic huntress is as cool as it is terrifying. 

See you in my dreams and nightmares, babe; you can throw me down the Overlook Hotel stairs anytime. — Ali Foreman, Entertainment Reporter

Hot Jafar

Whatever you thought of Disney’s live-action Aladdin remake, the casting of the very handsome, very jacked Marwan Kenzari as the slimy villain at least gave us somewhere to look that wasn’t creepy blue Will Smith. To quote Mashable’s Alexis Nedd: “Hot Jafar makes even the silliest of hat/turban dealios look like something you want tossed on your bedroom floor immediately.” 

Here is the scene where he becomes a giant shirtless genie, for no reason whatsoever.

Mackenzie Davis in Terminator: Dark Fate

It’s the strange realization too many queer women had upon leaving Terminator: Dark Fate: “Am I into… a Terminator movie??” 

Freshly infected by Mackenzie Davis’s rendition of a sweaty supersoldier rocking a fashion bowl-cut, the lesbian contingent of Dark Fate viewers could barely control themselves when it came to Davis. Those arms, that tension, the HEIGHT DIFFERENCE: send help!! We wanted to be her almost as much as we wanted to watch her take off another button-up. — Ali Foreman, Entertainment Reporter

Keanu Reeves

Whether he’s dating cool-looking, age-appropriate ladies IRL or being 55 and looking like that in a suit while doing just a whole lot of murders and loving dogs a lot, Keanu is the most eternal, least problematic crush around, ruining lives since ’89.

But his bananas cameo as himself in Netflix romcom Always Be My Maybe reminded us that Keanu gonna Keanu, and look incredibly good doing it, no matter what “it” is. Even when it is… this.

Kash in Four Weddings And A Funeral

Let’s just get this out of the way: Everyone on Hulu’s Four Weddings and a Funeral is problematic in some way. I knew that Kashif a.k.a. Kash (Nikesh Patel) would ruin me from the start; I’m still trying to untangle the confusing romantic messages of the Bollywood films I grew up with, all of which were rom-coms starring attractive South Asian men like Patel. Seeing a man like him in a leading role in 2019 is still remarkable and lovely, but taps into a deep emotional well of lifelong romantic misconceptions as well as my own histories with men who look like him. 

Then there’s the whole forbidden-love-us-against-the-world thing with him and Maya, the instant connection that haunts them both even if they don’t act on it. A Kash coming between two best friends is every cishet woman’s nightmare, because as much as we love and support each other, he has the terrifying power to do that. He’s the type of guy you’d dismiss just from hearing his story, but the type who’s the exact opposite to the Maya in his life, whomever that may be. Good luck, you crazy kids. — Proma Khosla, Entertainment Reporter

Chris Evans in a sweater

Chris Evans’ Knives Out sweater took over lives. It took on a life of its own. 

Image: Claire Folger / lionsgate

America’s ass might be a little too good at playing the asshole, but damn he looks good doing it in an off-white cable knit.